Need help with songwriting - Constructive critique also appreciated

Ok, so a few friends and I have recently formed a sort of "school band", so to speak. We've got five band members: a drummer, a pianist/rapper/backup vocalist, two guitarists (one of whome can also play the violin, the other can also sing) and me, the lead vocalist, screamer (I do metal aswell) and song writer. Which brings me to my point. I'm suposed to write our songs... -_-

 

 

The reason I think the band chose me to put our ideas into wording is because of my apparent "poetic skills" (I write somewhat emo poems when I'm really, really bored), but I really don't consider myself that good, so I need a bit of help.

 

 

Anyway, the band and I (oh, and our name's "Radical Sin" or "R.sin" (pronounced "Arsin")) came together one afternoon and sorted what we wanted to say into 10 songs:

 

 

1. Healing

This is about a guy whose girl totally messed with him (cheated, treated him like shit, etc.) before ultimately leaving him after a fight or something. The song is about his "recovery" and how he's moving on.

 

2. The Pain

Sorta the same vibe as Healing, only now it's the guy who left the girl and how at first he feels it's the biggest mistake of his life before eventually comming to terms with the whole thing and fixing his life up. It could also related to a she, though.

 

3. Why?

This song - still working on how to put this into lyrics, like every other song below this point - is about the disturbing nature of the human race. It touches on aspects of politics, racism, war, terrorism, every day violence, global warming, human greed, etc.

 

4. Arsin

This song will basically explain our (the band's) reason for being and how we just had to form. It will also have the double meaning of how you sometimes feel you just need to do something. This second meaning is conveyed by using a pyromariac who just has to set something on fire as an example.

 

5. Jetfeul

I'm not really sure how to explain this. Think of the "jetfeul" as a person's driving force for doing what he/she loves doing. It was origionally to be entitled "Life's Drugs", but we decided it sounded too... drug related.

 

6. Hollow

Ok, this was origionally titled "Tombstone", but as we discussed the meaning, "Lockdown" became more appropriate. Eventually, when the meaning was fully decided, we changed the name again. (Still keeping a song named "Lockdown". This song now replaced the scrapped song "Fuck Off!") "Hollow" tells the story of a guy who did a number of things that made his girlfriend leave him. Alone, he finds that he can not cope without the woman he loves. He now tries to get back to her.

 

7. Lockdown

The meaning of this is still hanging in the air somewhere...

 

8. Song of the Rejected

This is meant to be a song to make nerds, emo's, geeks, dorks, gays, freaks and extroverts in general feel a bit better about themselves. To make them feel more accepted. This song will also point out how unfairly many people are treated, especially in schools, merely because they are different.

 

9. 'Till the Sky Falls Down

A simple love song about a guy who will love this girl "untill the sky falls down" (songthing which will logically never happen. Thus, it simbolises that he will love her forever).

 

10. Cornered in the Darkness

This is quite an emo song about a person in serious suicidal depression. It has a happy ending, though, when he/she realises all the good his/her life still has. This was origionally to be titled simply as "Darkness", but we decided to fuse it, so to speak, with a song I was in the progress of writing called "Cornered", with pretty much the same meaning.

 

11. Quantum Physics

I haven't got the faintest idea what this is suposed to be about. I guese we just thought we had to have a song with this titel! XD

 

12. The Warrior & The Sage

This song will have a deep, philosophical meaning that I do not wish to explain on the web.

 

 

Ok, here are the lyrics of the songs (note: this discussion's only about the lyrics, not the actual music, though I formatted parts to show how they are to be sung/said: No formatting = sung normally (all three vacalists can fit here, but mainly me), underlined = rapped (pianist), italics = echo/faded sung (again, any of the three, but mostly guitarist), CAPS = metal (only me), bold = spoken (whoever). When you see ¬¬¬, it means an instrumental part/intro. When parts in the same line are seperated with /, it means they are sung/said simmultaneously by both/all three vocalists. Parts in () are extra, non lyrical info about the song and parts that are  struck  are parts that I think are a bit dodgy. Parts that are ????? are parts that don't yet exist. I need help with bits formatted with the last two) that I feel are ready to share. If you're wandering why "Why?" is shown here, it's 'cause I well and truly have writer's block with it and I really need help.

 

 


Healing:

 

¬¬¬

I remember back when
when we still loved each other...

Passion... Distraction...

A time when we
when you and I still loved...

Together... Forever...

But now it seems that all I've done
was just for nothing...

Wasted... Isolated...

But I can still go on
without you I'll go on!

(Chorus)

Healing has begun
My pain's not everlasting
You are not the one
My soul can now be resting

Healing has begun
Our love's wilted away
I see the sky, the sun
I see the night and day

My eyes are open
My healing has begun!

(/Chorus)

For there was once a time
when our love burnt bright and steady...

Binding... Blinding...

But I couldn't see
just what was happening...

Did not see... You used me...

But the time I saw
Realised what you were doing...

Shocked me... Destroyed me...

It was allready too late
To save us, to stop fate

(Chorus)

Healing has begun
My pain's not everlasting
You are not the one
My soul can now be resting

Healing has begun
I won't let you stay
I see the sky, the sun
I see the night and day

My eyes are open
My HEALING HAS BEGUN!

(/Chorus)

¬¬¬

No! No! NOW!

Yeah

I felt so scorned, I felt so used
I felt so very love abused
You pretended to love me
But with ties to other men!

Tried to leave you
Tried not to argue
But you made the move first
Leaving my heart accursed

I tried returning, using my luck
But I desided against it, why did I? Fuck!
I shifted off the track
Before you knew I was back

Love can be a bitch, burden and pain
Comin' 'round just to fuck up your game
But no more pretending you were never there
No more pretending I don't choke on your air

Now I see you were using me
Acting like I was your property
I won't be used like some misused tool
I will not be your lovestruck fool

Now I see and now I feel
That what we had was never real
You are not, you were never the one
I will go on for my healing has begun!

(Epilogue)

Healing has begun
My pain's not everlasting
You are not the one
My soul can now be resting

Healing has begun
You wanted it this way
I see the sky, the sun
I see the night and

day / Healing has begun

My pain's not everlasting

You are not the one

My soul can now be resting

Healing has begun

Our love's wilted away / I won't let you stay / You wanted it this way (all three vocalists)

I see the sky, the sun

I see the night and day!

My eyes are open
My healing...

My healing has begun!

un, un, un - un, un, un - un, un, un (Kinda like the "un, un, un" of What I've Done's ending)

Healing has begun!

un, un, un - un, un, un - un, un, un

Healing has begun!

un, un, un - un, un, un - un, un, un - un, un

I see the truth, but I won't run
I thought you were, but you're not the one
I know now what has to be done
My eyes are open, my healing has begun!

I remember back when
when we still loved each other...

Healing has begun!

...It seems that all I've done
was just for nothing...

Healing has begun!

By the time I saw
realised what you were doing...

Healing has begun!

It was allready too late
To save us, to stop fate...

Healing has begun

Now I see and now I feel
That what we had was never real...

Healing has begun!

I see the truth, but I won't run
My eyes are open, my...

Healing has begun! (Fades out in electric sounds)

 

 


The Pain:

 

The pain, the pain, the pain...

The pain's gripping

me tight again

I'm stuck in the world

Of the hollow men

My heart is broken

My soul is ablaze

I've got nothing to loose

And nothing to gain

No!

My life's a mess

I dunno what to do

All this shit started

The day I left you

????

???? (Must rhyme with "burns")

My whole life's a wreck

My heart still burns

I'm a hollow shell

Filled t'the brim with pain

I got nothing to loose

And nothing to gain

I'm hurting inside

I think you do too

I'm dyin' from my pain

I'm scared, it's true

(Chorus)

Here I am now

Feeling the pain

Trying t'get myself

Back into the game

But for every lil' scar

I've gotten from life

The wound's growin' deeper

Into my soul like a knife

The pain's gripping

Me tight again

I'm stuck in the world

Of the hollow men

My heart is broken

My soul is ablaze

I've got nothing to loose

And nothing to gain

NO!

(/Chorus)

But I'm no coward

But I'm no hero either

A begger or a king

I'm just holding on tighter

But there comes a time

Whe you've just gotta know

When'o stop holding on

And just to let go

Here I am now

Looking back

Tryin' t'get my mind

Back onto the track

Hopin' t'get myself

Back into the game

But here I am now

Feelin' the pain

(Chorus)

Here I am now

Feeling the pain

Trying t'get myself

Back into the game

But for every lil' scar

I've gotten from life

The wound's growin' deeper

Into my soul like a knife

The pain's gripping

me tight again

Arsin to my life

Now, just like then

But it's time to move on

Let my heart mend

Let my soul heal

My healing, transcend

YEAH!

(/Chorus)
Here I am now
Feeling the pain

Trying t'get myself
Back into the game
But for every lil' scar
I've gotten from life
The wound's growin' deeper
Into my soul like a knife

Here I am now / The pain's gripping

Feeling the pain / Me tight again

Trying t'get myself / I'm stuck in the world

Back into the game / Of the hollow men

But for every lil' scar / My heart is broken

I've gotten from life / My soul is ablaze

The wound's growin' deeper / I've got nothing to loose

Into my soul like a knife / And nothing to gain

(Epilogue)

There I was then

I felt the pain

But whatever I tried

Just fucked up my game

But now the pain's gone

I'm removing the knife

As the wounds start to heal

I'm regaining my life

The pain has left

My life's comin' back

I'm shifting myself

Back onto the track

I'm getting my mind

Back into the game

I'm breaking away from

The pain, the pain, the pain...

 

 


Why?

 

(Pending)

 

Devastation

On a broken skale

Burning in the fires

Of the burning veil

Riots in the day

Screaming at night

Human nature

Causing everlasting fight

Fighting for life

But fighting to death

Fighting for nothing

Wastin' their last breath

Last beath, last breath...

(Potential chorus)

What's going' on?

I don't know why

Men fighting wars

While lettin' the world die

As the good times fall

Sayin' goodbye

I can't help finding

Myself asking "Why?"

Our questions go out

Without no reply

As leaders just sit there

Like some kinda magi

Waitin' 'till the day

When they finally cry

I can't help thinking

Why, why, why...

(/Potential chorus)

 

(Pending)

 

 


 

 

 

Well, that's all I've got as of now. Help would be greatly appreciated. =D

 

 

 

Song Titels & Lyrics - Copyright © Charl-A. Fourie - 2010 All Rights Reserved

Tags: my songs, need help writing songs, school band, songs, songwriting, writing songs

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There seems to be some weird html-code problem. This < got replaced with this /p>.

In other words, instead of rap tags beeing > <, they are now > /p>... o.0
Nevermind. Decided to code the text instead of using tags.



On a side note, I guese no one's interested in this. Pitty. I could really have used the help... =/

Charl-André Fourie said:
There seems to be some weird html-code problem. This < got replaced with this /p>.

In other words, instead of rap tags beeing > <, they are now > /p>... o.0

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