Somewhere I Belong. This song is about identity crisis.
I am 51 years old and only just realizing that I have been suffering an identity crisis my whole life. My conception was an accident. My Dad married my Mum and stuck around until I was two, then disappeared for ever. (During the nineties I discovered that he had died as a penniless drunk in Aberdeen, WA in 1989, apparently indifferent to my existence, but the drinking suggests a different story.) A few months later Mum put me in a home so she could go back to her showbiz career. After 6 weeks (any longer and I would have gone insane. This is not hyperbole) my grandmother discovered where I was, rescued me and brought me up.
Mum used to visit me during the school holidays but then bugger off back to Italy/Spain/Lebanon or wherever her next contract as a nightclub dancer sent her. So I had my heart broken by my mother three times a year whenever she left until I decided at the age of 10 that I couldn't take any more and cut her out of my heart so I couldn't feel the pain any more. Except every now and again, like now, the pain comes back and paralyses me with depression.
With an IQ of 138 I did well enough at school to go to Uni but I didn't know who the fuck I was. Religion provided me an identity that the lack of parents denied me until I realized that it's a crock of shit when the guy who brought me to Jesus committed suicide.
Chronologically, since graduation when each step stopped being automatic I have been a research scientist, hospital microbiologist, type setter, insurance salesman, music store head sales clerk, newsagent, software developer, gardener, and now I run my own computer break/fix business as a one man operation. I have lived in both the UK and the USA - which reminds me, I am a dual national, which just adds to my confusion.
The only place I ever felt at home in my whole life was Coral Springs in Florida, which me and my wife moved to just after we got married. We bought a house there. But that didn't stop me leaving for California when I was marched out of my place of work by security one Friday afternoon and told not to come back. This was caused by my objections to the bullying behaviour of my boss (who replaced my original boss who I liked but who very tragically died of cancer at the age of 40). This guy used to try to intimidate us by telling us stories about what he used to get up to as a member of the mafia!!!!
Anyway, this latest tide of despair has been provoked once again by my mother. She decided to give me a good telling off about my son not thanking her for a christmas present and while doing so she told me that she doesn't like my wife, and only relates to one of my 3 kids. Of course this doesn't describe the vitriolic words, tone of voice or look in her eyes as she was telling me these hateful things. The one constant in my life for the last 20 years have been my wife and kids and my 'dear' mother decided to attack them. When I was a Christian, I considered it my christian duty to forgive my mother for my childhood. So I have done my duty, let her get to know my kids, let her spoil them etc, but now she goes and does this. Not much by itself maybe, but it's the final straw. I think I now want Mum out of my life, for good. Will this finally end the confusion, the pain, the numbness, the lack of direction, the lack of identity. I just don't know.
Somewhere I Belong :)
A Place for My Head
Numb, Papercut, In The End.
All songs can be applied on each moment in life.
sometimes also "New Divide"
but i think, there's not a single song, that wouldn't at least fit a special situation in my life.
In the End.
Theres always a LP song that describes my emotions at a particular time. But I would say Numb and also Shadow of the Day would describe my life.