Survivor Caramoan Season 26 Episode 5 | Watch Survivor Caramoan Season 26 Episode 5 Online
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Persona Non Grata
Brandon suffers a meltdown and begins sabotaging the Favorites camp.
Those of you who go back with me a few years — well, more than a few at this point — know that I may have commented once or twice about a certain someone from the Survivor universe. She had a passion for knee socks and her name was Sally. Survivor Sally, her friends called her, and oh, how I desperately wanted to be her friend. She may have lost on Survivor: Panama — Exile Island, but she won something else: my heart. Yes, perhaps my interest in fair Sally bordered on “obsession.” Sure, some might have considered my behavior “concerning.” And okay, there may have been “restraining orders” involved.
But I’m here to tell each and every one of you I have moved on. Because there is someone new in my life. Someone else ready to give mind, body, and soul to the Survivor experience. Someone so irresistible as to inspire a simultaneous orgy of lips all over the face. And someone who will clean up around the home and be sure to have a hot, delicious meal ready at suppertime each and every night. I’m referring, of course, to my main man Tata. STEP OFF, YOU CREEPY PREDATOR, COCHRAN! NO ONE HAS DANCE MOVES LIKE TATA! That’s right, you think Tata would sit out a reward challenge? Or get sunburned…on his feet? Or have decent dental care? THINK AGAIN! YOU’RE IN TATA’S HOUSE* NOW! (*Footnote: You may not actually be physically able to fit into Tata’s house due to the three foot high ceilings.)
Tata is full-on Filipino pimp! You see him macking on four different women — at once?!? That’s Tata style, baby. And you know why he’s called Tata? Because that’s what he says to island beyotches after he’s done with them. Oh, Tata, you can stuff rice in my bamboo anytime. But first I have to get through this here Survivor recap. Then you can try on these knee socks* I bought you. (*Footnote: Due to size discrepancy, knee socks may extend all the way over head.)