a bit of me:


I'm struggling with all the stuff in my head. Like my mind is working too much, too fast and it just want more and more info, knowledge. just want more and more and more.. I spend 1h40 mins swimming away just thinking of all the possibilities (good and bad) that could have happen if the lift at work got stuck again... I think I probably imagine the situation of being stuck in the lift with any of the 50 people from my office. I didn't even want to think of that... my mind just got carried away without me realising it, and well after years of experiences, tries and errors, I know I can't stop it anyway. the worth thing is that it doesn't tire my mind... my mind is like a bottomless hole... always hungry, never full, never satisfied. But that is also its power. I can get high without alcohol / drugs... just get an idea in my mind, and let it play around with it for hours :) :)



If / when everything is ok in my life (ok as in "normal" : good job I like, good b/f who loves me etc...), my mind gets so bored, that I going on the self-detruction path. not physically (well only when I touch the bottom down...), but mentally and emotionally... It is like "there is no more challenges to overcome. It's the end of the game and there are only the credits rolling away". I usually get so bad, I have to break up and start something else from scratch again. Each of my friends knows that I live following the principle: "Let me free and I'm yours forever. Put me in a cage and I self-destroy myself". Some people told me that other people can hurt me. to what I answer, yes they can.. but they will never never hurt me to the extents I hurt myself. you hurt me. i destroy myself. it is so much faster and efficient.



Same for my home. I just have temporary places where I live. I'm struggling to stay at the same place for long (5 years in the same town is a miracle so far ! probably because It is also a different country..) I'm forcing myself to stay until at least end of March. but I'm already looking out to move to USA, NZ or Australia...  (USA is more likely so far): what job, salary, location, visa etc etc etc..

I also can't stand having too much stuff. If I can't move home without a car, and on my own, I've got too much stuff. that make me anxious, and make me feel I'm stuck somewhere. I really hate that feeling, it is almost like "emergency ! panic ! warning ! " in my head when it happens.



I also hate the feeling of lost when I'm living in a big house / flat.. I literally feel lost. I'm now living in a bedroom in a shared house for 2 months, and I can see the difference compared to the 5 bedrooms house or the 2 bedrooms house I was living in in the last 5 years. I feel secure and safe here.



and I didn't even touch the subject of family, friendship, sex, depression, suicide, communications, life, death, conformity, etc.

Told you my mind is wild. and I now refuse to change it to fit with the "normality".




my motto of the moment is: "Life without challenges is a waste of time"...

My general one : "Aim for the Stars, you could reach the Moon. Aim for the Moon, you won't reach the Stars"..

and my all time one: "Who never tries, never get"

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