Few hours sleep..
body feel tired, but so tired that anything feels slow to your mind. A bit like watching a movie pic by pic.
I most of the time wish the world would go a bit faster. I'm getting lost in that slowness of things to do, the waiting of things to happen and so forth.
Why waiting ? The only thing that ever stopped me doing / saying / feeling something is myself.
Well I know that very well. too well maybe ?
But I also know that I haven't got limits :) and that is pure freedom.
Even felt like that ?
I do most of the time..
When I'm in that state of mind, I could do anything... I sometimes even think having a picnic in the middle of a warzone, and see if someone shoots.. now that would be interesting to find out.
I can't do that right now though.. I've got to go swimming.. I set myself a challenge.. swimming 2.5kms.
Now I wasn't and still isn't a sport addict. Always the last one to be picked up for teams sports. Gosh I can't even throw a ball properly.. but give me individual sport... and I'm a different person. Climbing, swimming, running, cycling, gymnastic. I was on my own 99% of my life so far. I don't dislike people. I just got issues to trust them, got issues with people's routine (always the same talk, about the same things). now I know I do the same. but get to know me a bit more and gosh, it is like opening a new window on the advent's calendar each day. I wish I could record my mind non-stop. not my thoughts, but my brain all together. Then maybe someday, someone, could see what I was thinking, feeling, doing, planning, organising. Human brains are so powerful. We really are throwing them away without using them.
Look. I just swam 2.5km in 1h40 mins last night after a full day at work.. I just put my mind into a story mode. Like thinking of 1 event of the day, and letting my mind wonders to think of all the possibililties that could have happen. still had some possibilities to explore after 1h30mins, I didn't feel the 2.5kms. My body just did it because my mind didn't stop it. I was smiling all the way (well except when some water went up my nose, I hate that), and still smiling now. I know some of the possibilities will happen, and then I will have some more to explore during next swim !
I also think that anti-depressants are stopping that way of thinking. So yes, I explore the "bad", hard possibilities too. I don't shut them off just because they are hard to think about. death, diseases, pain, hurt are all part of the deal and need to be dealt with. So thanks SSRI, but I don't need you (anymore). I think it is a lot healthier to think the way I think, than to avoid thinking of the realities of life. So yes, my elbow is in pain, and I know why. My heart hurts, I also know why. and call me SM or whatever.. I like it like that. It means I'm alive and ready for more experiences. Let Life throws stuff at me, I'll get the shot and stand up again and again,ready, waiting, looking out for the next shot.
and gosh, the swim didn't tired me enough in my opinion.
I cycled back home (15mins or so), went online for another 2h, woke up 7h later all ready for the day, cleaned up my room, and I'm looking forward to the 11kms cycle + 3h of work at the charity shop..
I think I may produce too much energy ;) anyone wants some ? I'm happy to share it !
Please please please... let me be too tired to think !